World Cup 2014

- Brazilian babies are so poor they have to eat footballs. 

Despite the controversial circumstances surrounding this year’s tournament, the 2014 World Cup is finally up and running and, footballing-wise, has thus far failed to disappoint. The Brazilian authorities have managed to keep the vast majority of Brazil’s impoverished underclass out of sight, and Blatter has resorted to keeping FIFA’s critics at bay by repeatedly branding any doubters as racist (an unscrupulous tactic none too dissimilar to Nick Clegg’s desperate efforts in the recent Euro elections). 

With one week gone, we have been treated to some exhilarating matches, some terrific goals, and some real surprises. The Spanish, who’d so effectively utilised the slow, tippy-tappy football made famous by Barcelona (or “Barca” as they’re known by the trendy Champions League nuggets), were among many a pundit’s top tips for the tournament, and their early exit will have raised a few eyebrows as well as a few smiles. Everyone likes to see a top seed go out, and their tedious style of play and regular diving won’t have won them many fans.

- Cheerio Spanners

There has also been the odd “controversial” incident, including the use of goal-line technology in the France v Honduras game. English audiences were left bamboozled at BBC’s Jonathan Pearce’s inability to understand the graphic depicting the goal-line result. Pearce was unable to differentiate between the initial shot rebounding off the post and the resulting deflection off the goalkeeper, leading his head to explode in confusion, exclaiming that the technology was proving controversial. Pearce was obviously slightly perplexed by the whole episode, but what was slightly controversial, was that the replays from the side of the goal showed that the whole of the ball did not completely cross the line. Whether this was due to the poor frame rate of the camera or an inaccurate angle, it does cast a slight shadow of doubt regarding the technology. When you consider that the apparently superior Hawkeye, which is used in the Premier League, has a margin of error of about 0.5cm, then it would not be unreasonable to doubt the call made by the technology used in the France game, which showed that the ball only crossed the line by the smallest of fractions. And if you consider that the Brazilians were unable to build any of their grounds and facilities on time, it wouldn’t be too surprising if that whilst they were busy painting grass, the goal-line equipment wasn’t installed correctly.

One welcome addition to the World cup however, has to be the use of the foam spray, preventing defensive walls slyly gaining an extra yard once the referee’s back is turned. It makes sense, and also livens up the game, sending Andy Townsend and co. into a state of delirium, “Here it is, the magic spray, it’s out, mint”. I expect to see it inEnglish grounds at some point in the near future, although I’m not too sure how it will fare in the pissing down rain, with gale force winds blowing foam into David Luiz’s hair.

Veiny leg gets his Gillette out

Disappointingly, the England team didn’t fail to deliver in failing to deliver, leaving the nation with a sense that the World Cup was over before it had every really got going. Less than a week after sticking Vindaloo, and Three Lions on the jukebox, whilst ordering a 9^th pre-match pint, England were out. Despite an encouraging performance against Italy, two defeats on the bounce isn’t good enough, and England were dumped out of the World Cup. Drunken optimism had some still very hopeful of qualification post-Uruguay, but a good performance from Costa Rica, a team deemed not good enough to be included in our local sweepstake, saw them defeat the Italians, and break English hearts.

However, it’s the unexpected nature of some of the results in this World Cup that has made it so interesting, providing an opportunity to still enjoy it, despite the bitter disappointment of England.

Out of Tune

In the days before you could stream games online, or watch them down the pub on Taliban TV, one of the only ways to catch an away game, unless you attended, was on the radio. Being a traditionalist, as well as having limited opportunities to catch The Lads down the boozer due to residing in what is mainly Mag territory, I tend to opt to follow away matches on the radio. There have been some great moments spent intently listening to Sunderland games on the “wireless”, hanging on to the commentators every word, conjuring up the sort of suspense that can only be surpassed whilst  trying to watch a match on teletext and desperately pressing refresh in the hope of an equaliser (those were the days).

However, following the enormously insolent decision by Metro Radio to pull the plug on Rowell and “Crabbers” in 2005 (due to apparently attempting to remain neutral, after being priced out of Newcastle’s commentary rights. They should have in fact told the greedy bastards at Sid James’s where to stick it, and continued to cover Sunderland), we have been left with a sole alternative in the form of Nick Barnes and Gary Bennet on Radio Newcastle.

 It has become a nigh on impossible task attempting to keep up with what is unfolding on the pitch, as Nick Barnes tries his damned utmost to talk about anything but the game. Following information that Mannone has the ball, we’re then treated to a string of tedious, and irrelevant, stats regarding the entire career of an unimportant opposition player, only for it to be interrupted after we win a corner, leaving an entire passage of play to abscond into history without our knowledge.  Give the bloke his due, he does his research prior to a game, but these extensive stats should be reserved for injury induced gaps in play, and not whilst the game is in full flow. I can’t help but feel Nick Barnes’s commentary style would be better suited for television, where the you’re not reliant on the commentary to know what’s occurring on the pitch, and where extended soliloquies about the weather and how scolding hot his halftime Bovril is, won’t drive you insane with frustration.

Barnes is useful in that he does keep you up to date with any scores that might affect Sunderland, but unfortunately, will do so even if it means interrupting a critical moment in the match. Likewise he is equally at ease interrupting critical moments to enlighten you of scores in games that are meaningless to us, and will happily talk over a Sunderland attack to enlighten the listener as to how Sporting Club Newcastle’s “Falcons” are getting on.

Whilst tuning in to our recent game away to Liverpool, the usual irritation I feel as Barnes reads through the team sheets at an undecipherable speed, gave way to a mixture of fury and embarrassment. Following an extended recital from The Big Book Of “The Anfield Atmosphere Is Dead Special” Clichés, the commentary ceased and the crowd volume was increased as The Kop sang along to Gerry and the Pacemakers. At first I assumed that there must be some sort of technical problem, perhaps Nick Barnes had knocked the microphone over with his Anfield-induced hard-on. Or maybe his mic had become muffled, as Garry Bennet desperately tugged on Barnes’s ankles to prevent him for disappearing up Liverpool FC’s collective arsehole.  But no, unbelievably Barnes was holding some sort of personal minute silence. For what cause? Who knows. A tribute to Alan Hansen, Stevie G and Yosser Hughes?  You tell me.

Following completion of this mass Scouse karaoke, commentary resumed, and Barnes carried on awestruck. Fortunately, The Lads weren’t quite so overwhelmed, and stuck in a decent performance, but unfortunately, lost yet again, leaving our league status looking rather precarious. We’re in need of some big changes before next season, and not just in the commentary box.

#nomakeupselfie

As I sat on the bus to work on Wednesday morning, flicking through my phone, I was bamboozled as to why my newsfeed was littered with “selfies” of lasses with no makeup on, claiming to be making people aware of cancer. I failed to see the connection. I was already aware of cancer, and I was now aware of what a load of girls I knew looked like without make up, ie pale with small eyes (only joking, it was actually great girls showing off their natural beauty). It appeared at first sight as a fad, a friendly version of Neknomination that everyone could join in with, whilst simultaneously patting themselves on their own collective backs, showing their hundreds of social media mates just how brave and selfless they were in fighting cancer.

This sceptical sentiment appeared to be echoed by various individuals, who in turn challenged the participants, questioning their motives and querying what the point of it all was. Soon after, the “selfies” posted were accompanied with links on which to donate, and have apparently since helped to raise a million quid towards the cause. Very commendable. Although I do still feel as though the whole process is slightly tinged with self congratulatory vanity, it has to be said that if it’s raising money and awareness, then the ends certainly justifies the means.

This once again demonstrated the power of social media to raise awareness. However, in the grand scheme of things £1million is peanuts, and pales into insignificance when compared to money out there which could be used to fight cancer, along with hundreds of other life destroying illnesses. Take Vodafone for example, this one company has managed to dodge over £6billion worth of tax (or 16 years worth of “no makeup selfie” donations based on it’s initial rate over 24 hours). Imagine investing some of that in to cancer research, and into the hospitals treating those battling the disease. This is what we should be making people aware of, not asking poor people to donate their hard earned cash when there is literally billions and billions that are being essentially stolen from our society. We complain that people are dying premature deaths, either because of unaffordable treatment, lack of care, or not enough research, yet this is due to the greed of the likes of Boots, Starbucks, and Topshop. Social media should be used to raise awareness, and outrage, at this injustice. It should be used to embarrass the companies involved in tax avoidance, and force them into compliance.

Likewise, when the likes of Serco and G4S are siphoning million and millions out of the NHS, raising a million pound for cancer research seems rather superficial and trivial. We are contracting out NHS services to the same companies that proved themselves incompetent during the Olympic Games, the same companies that were found guilty of conning the country out of tens of millions of pounds through over charging for prisoner tagging, and the same companies that have shown a shocking disregard to human rights laws throughout the world. We’re sacrificing the services provided by the NHS in order to provide profits for these immoral companies.

Through the medium of Facebook and Twitter, we have a platform unlike any other available in history, from which to make people aware, and force change. If only the Facebook generation in this country could be mobilised to make a real positive change. However, I suspect many are too busy taking a picture of themselves in order to further their social lives to really care.

Beer Review #3: Brewed in the USA

America – known for it’s huge cars, huge people, and huge murder rate, is also well known for having shite beer. Beyond the isolation of the United States, the self proclaimed “King of Beers”, Budweiser, is mocked and left well alone in the pubs of Europe.

However, over the last couple of years our colonial cousins have developed a taste for craft beer, resulting in a dramatic increase in the number of micro breweries popping up. A recent work training course enabled me to sample at first hand what all the fuss is about. Samual Adams, whose lager seems to be quite prevalent amongst a number of bars in the U.S., have delved into the ale market, producing some very flavoursome beverages in the process. We were over in November, prior to Thanks Giving, and so were able to manage a swig or two of their Harvest Pumpkin Ale, which was apparently first brewed by American colonists. A red ale, with strong hints of pumpkin and ginger, a really enjoyable and novel taste. We also sampled a number of other Sam Adams' ales, including another seasonal delight; Octoberfest.

Based in East Tennessee, we visited The Smoky Mountain Brewery, a microbrewery/restaurant (the Yanks need to be coerced in to visiting with the promise of food, and do be fair to them, for being “American Cuisine” the grub was pretty top notch), which boasted a range of beers, many of which drew their names from the local area. The Cherokee Red Ale, named after the Indians that they forcibly removed from their land, was a particular favourite of mine, and ideal to wash down a massive Philly Cheese Steak. While the hoppy Appalachian Pale Ale, was also well worth a sup.

We even had time to pop into a "Scottish Bar" in Knoxville called the Jig and Reel, which offered a the chance to experience a Celtic public house, complete with mounted stag head on the wall and bags of Walker's crisps behind the bar, and to be honest it was a really top bar, full of genuinely friendly people (as was much of Tennessee). The remainder of a wet Sunday afternoon was spent sipping bottles of "New-castle" (Brown Ale to me and you) in front of an open log fire, enjoying the pub quiz and live music.

Check it out

Whilst in Tesco’s recently, waiting to buy a bit scran and a bottle of wine for my tea, I was urged by one of the assistants to leave the queue and use one of the self service tills that had just become free. My polite decline generated an unwarranted level of confusion, with the shop assistant unable to fathom why I wouldn’t want to serve myself. Personally I find it mind boggling as to why anyone would voluntarily attempt to use a machine that can make even the most tech savvy nerd feel like a pensioner using an iPad for the first time. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a self service till that doesn’t at some point require you to seek assistance. The lazy bastards will be wanting us to I.D. our selves for booze next.

Secondly it seems absurd that supermarkets have managed to get customers to serve themselves, and in essence perform the work of 2 or 3 would be employees.  Supermarkets aren’t attempting to be helpful or more efficient, but merely increasing their profits further, while at the same time contributing to unemployment, and burdening the public with greater pressures on welfare. Despite the over emphasis and slight exaggeration, you get the point. Every little helps.

Rewritten By Machine And New Technology – Technology In Football

Following England’s predictable exit at the hands of the Germans during the 2010 World Cup, there were once again fresh calls for technology to be introduced into the game. Despite Frank Lampard’s shot clearly landing a yard over the line, these calls were largely laughed down by football’s governing bodies. However, during the recent European Championships, England happened to gain an advantage from a fairly similar situation, which saw Euro co-hosts Ukraine denied a goal that had crossed the line, albeit, unlike Lampard’s, it was only marginally over and also came from an offside position, yet FIFA, who are renowned for their impartiality, openness, and stance against racism and prejudice, have insisted that technology is now essential to maintain the integrity of the game. A U-turn not too dissimilar to their stance on penalties, where Sepp Blatter sought to decide all games ending in a draw with spot kicks, but following Chelsea’s Champion’s League victory on penalties over Bayern Munich, it was suddenly a “tragic” way to end a match, and so Munich’s very own Franz Beckenbauer was promptly given the backing, funds, and a panzer division, to find an alternative solution.

Whatever FIFA’s true motives are, their change of mind has been warmly welcomed by large sections of the footballing community, embraced, almost universally, by football pundits, and portrayed in the media as a victory for football fans. But is it really a progressive step?

Rugby, cricket, and tennis are often touted as successful examples of how technology can work in sport, and they have undoubtedly seen an increase in the quality of decision making, yet there is something that doesn’t quite sit right with it. Whether it be the delays in celebration after a try is scored while video referees debate the outcome over slow motion replays, or the challenging of umpires’ decisions by tennis players, the traditional feel of the sport feels somewhat compromised. It will be a sad day in football when the match is stopped for the 3^rd time in 15 minutes so that we can go to a McDonald’s sponsored video replay, while the crowd, who’d previously been celebrating what had looked like a definite goal, begin a slow hand clap until the large plasma screens finally give confirmation, flashing up “Goal in”, and Chelsea Daggers is blared out over tinny speakers at a deafening volume. One could imagine that the likes of Sky, the scourge of football, and their legion of arm chair fans, lapping up this pantomime, zooming in on the faces of fans for dramatic effect, or perhaps they might take the UEFA approach, focusing on young girls with large breasts, while their “Respect” campaign banner flickers in the background on the very same electronic advertising boards that prevented the linesman seeing whether the ball had crossed the line in the first place. Money talks.

However, the main problem with introducing goal-line technology lies with the very nature of the game of football itself. In rugby, when the ball is placed down over the try-line, the passage of play ends, whether they are using technology or not. Similarly, in tennis and cricket, the play naturally stops as part of the game, and therefore not interrupted by the needs of a video referee. The breaks in play in football however, are infrequent, and rarely occur immediately after the incident in question occurs. This poses the problem of how it will actually work. If the ball comes close to crossing the line, is the game stopped and referred to a video ref? And if so, if it’s shown that the ball hasn’t crossed the line, how is the game restarted? A drop ball would clearly be unfair for the team that had the ball when the game was stopped. What if the ball had fallen to an attacking player who had a clear chance of scoring as the ref stopped the game, or if the defending team were on the verge of a counter attack? It’s all very well if the original shot is declared in, but if it’s deemed to have not crossed the line, then outcome of the match will have been seriously affected. Stopping the game mid flow seems implausible, yet playing on until the ball goes out of play, or until word of the goal-line incident outcome reaches the referee, would produce problems of what to do about events that have taken place in the meantime. Would goals scored in this period be discounted or allowed to stand? The results would be farcical.

However, there are a number of different goal line technologies available. And while Hawk-Eye and video replays rely on a certain time delay, as well as a clear view of the ball, the German designed Goalref sends an instant signal to the referee. The technology relies on specially designed balls containing a sensor, which when crossing the goal-line, break a magnetic field and alert the referee that a goal has been scored. But, with Hawk-Eye already installed at Wembley, it’s probably quite likely that the FA will favour that approach, and all the virtual replay bollocks that goes with it.

Despite the instant verification that can be provided by some of the goal-line devices, Michel Platini remains a firm advocate against technology in football. Whilst the odious President of UEFA rarely offers rational or agreeable propositions, he may have a point. For example, why should a goal denied due to the officials not seeing whether the ball had crossed the line take precedence over a goal denied due to a hand ball or a wrongly called offside decision? UEFA have introduced extra officials on the goal line, which although won’t be able to get it right 100% of the time, are able to see better than the referee or linesmen who may be a 100 yards away. If the ball is clearly over, like Frank Lampard’s during the 2010 World Cup, they will be able to tell, and can aid the referee whilst at the same time maintaining the human element in the game. And if they do occasionally get it wrong, then that’s just unfortunate, just as it is with the dozens of other decisions throughout the game, that’s just part of football.

Although the introduction of an instant, minimum fuss system may provide some valuable benefits to the game, many may still fear that it is merely another step towards football developing into the sterile, soulless, corporate, money-grabbing machine that it continues to become.

God Save Your Mad Parade – Danny Boyle’s “Isle of Wonders”

Having initially been sceptical about the Olympics and the opening ceremony, it turned out that Danny Boyle’s Isle of Wonder was well worth a watch. Faced with the monumental task of following Beijing’s opening ceremony 4 years ago, with a fraction of the funding at his disposal, Boyle really nailed it.

It’s often difficult to culturally define the English. The French identify themselves, or rather we identify them, as bicycle riding, beret wearing, baguette eaters, the Australians have boomerangs and kangaroos, the Scottish have bagpipes and kilts, and the Spanish have sombreros and a disgusting lack of bovine animal rights, but the English don’t seem to culturally offer much. However, Danny Boyle managed to portray British culture in the opening ceremony as possibly the most important on the planet. No, we don’t have much in terms of nation bound oddities, but that is because the British culture is that good that it has been exported and is now the culture of the world. Railways, cars, television, electric light, turbine powered ships, jet propelled aeroplanes, are all British inventions and culture which were too good to remain solely within our shores. Boyle touched on this with his scene depicting the industrial revolution, and one should remember while we were steaming in to the 20^th century, the majority of the world was still stuck in the dark ages.

Even up to the modern day, British ingenuity and culture is being lent to the world. The title of “Father of the Computer” is given to Englishman Charles Babbage, while the first electronic computer was designed and constructed at Bletchley Park by the British, and in particular Alan Turing, whose death would later go on to inspire the computer brand Apple. So although it appears as though the likes of the Japanese are superior in the technology department, their smart phones and Tamagotchis pale into insignificance when compared to the war winning, Nazi code-breaking computers of Bletchley Park, which paved  the way for a global technological culture. Impressively, Danny Boyle managed to pay tribute to Britain’s contribution to the technological world, with a small section of the ceremony involving Sir Tim Berners-Lee, creator of one of the most important inventions of all time, the World Wide Web. As Berners-Lee sat typing on his keyboard, words were beamed on to the crowd reading “This is for everyone”, recognising the fact that the internet wasn’t patented, but given as a gift to mankind, something that belonged to and helped everybody, just as the British refused to patent penicillin once we’d discovered it, although the Americans weren’t quite so altruistic, quickly slapping intellectual property rights on it and charging us to use our own discovery, which was good of them.

Boyle’s ceremony also paid tribute to other important parts of our culture, touching on the fact that the majority of world sports were either created or codified in Britain. Whereas the likes of cricket and rugby are usually associated with England, sports such as football, tennis, athletics, cycling, boat racing, golf, table tennis, badminton, and an almost endless list of other sports, are rarely thought about as exclusively British culture, yet that would have been the case before they were exported to the rest of the world.

The second half of the ceremony paid tribute to British music and the influence it has on the world. Since the times of the Beatles and Stones, Britannia has ruled the airwaves, pioneering new sounds, smashing old musical regimes, and spawning new rhythmical dynasties. It seems somewhat ironic that The Clash, The Jam, and The Sex Pistols should be put forward as a representation of British culture, when 30 years ago they were despised with such venom by the British mainstream, however, it’s a testament to how they have helped shape the British mind set. When a band like the Sex Pistols, who in the 70s rebelled against the status quo of British culture to such an extent that when “God Save the Queen” reached number 1 during the diamond jubilee the public were bizarrely informed that there was no number 1 that week, have two of their records played during a ceremony representing British culture, it really shows how these bands were at the forefront of free thinking. While Punk was blowing away the stale, self-indulgent dinosaur that popular music had become, paving the way for New Wave and the birth of modern pop, it was also blowing away the archaic state of mind of the British public, paving the way for more liberal thinking. Reshaping our nation’s, and often the world’s, attitude has often been a defining feature of British music. Even in the 60s, bands like The Kinks were light years ahead of politicians and world statesmen on issues such as gender classification and sexual orientation, and one of the reasons why British music deserved its place in the Olympic opening ceremony.

What was really impressive about the Isle of Wonders was its attempt to convey the message inclusiveness. Fair play and equal rights for all are often touted as being the backbone of the Olympics, and these concepts have regularly been fought for on our soil, and were acknowledged in the ceremony, represented by the Jarrow marchers, the Union movement, and the much underappreciated NHS. The appreciation for these institutes comes at a time when they see themselves under constant attack. The current government seems determined to dismantle the NHS under the guise of reforms, prattling on about the wastefulness of what is probably the most efficient healthcare service in the world. A service that provides care for anyone and everyone that needs it, whether you’re rich, poor, black, white, male or female, if you need help, the NHS offers out its hand. Despised by the Tories, and strangely enough by many Americans, brainwashed by generations of fundamentalist politicians that prefer to let their own people die of sickness in the street than succumb to a “dirty damn socialist” national health system, the NHS is truly something to be proud of.  It was also good to see the ceremony include the trade union movement, a notion that fights against repression and for rights and equality for all, values held highly in the Olympics. However, despite Britain having some of the worst trade union laws in Europe, the government is still attempting to crush the voice of the people, playing private sector off against public, when they should be united, and even pondering sacking striking workers, effectively stating that they’ll cut your wage, cut your pension, cut your jobs and services, but don’t complain.

Marching along with the Jarrow Crusade and the Unionists, were the suffragettes, yet another tribute to equality and inclusiveness, but also significant in that London 2012 is the first ever Olympics where women are able to compete in  all the events that the men compete in. However, not everyone buys in to this idea of the Games. Tory MP Aiden Burley, vented his frustrations, labelling the opening ceremony as “leftie multi-cultural crap”, apparently taken by surprise that the Olympics, which includes over 200 countries, would have black people in it. He’d obviously been hoping that Boyle would have included more of Britain’s capitalist history, with perhaps a tribute to the money making machine of the slave trade. However, unfortunately for Burley, Boyle could have easily developed this scene to show how that the people of Britain campaigned against the slave trade, and eventually forced our country to become one of the first to abolish it, and then force others to follow suit.

The Olympics often has the power to install patriotism, and you may find yourself viewing things through English rose-tinted glasses, but one can’t help but feel that Danny Boyle has done our nation’s proud history justice. There were initial fears that the Olympic ideals would be sacrificed in the name of money and greed, but through the opening ceremony, Boyle has managed to build a green and pleasant image of Britain, amongst the dark satanic mills of corporate interest.