Out of Tune

In the days before you could stream games online, or watch them down the pub on Taliban TV, one of the only ways to catch an away game, unless you attended, was on the radio. Being a traditionalist, as well as having limited opportunities to catch The Lads down the boozer due to residing in what is mainly Mag territory, I tend to opt to follow away matches on the radio. There have been some great moments spent intently listening to Sunderland games on the “wireless”, hanging on to the commentators every word, conjuring up the sort of suspense that can only be surpassed whilst  trying to watch a match on teletext and desperately pressing refresh in the hope of an equaliser (those were the days).

However, following the enormously insolent decision by Metro Radio to pull the plug on Rowell and “Crabbers” in 2005 (due to apparently attempting to remain neutral, after being priced out of Newcastle’s commentary rights. They should have in fact told the greedy bastards at Sid James’s where to stick it, and continued to cover Sunderland), we have been left with a sole alternative in the form of Nick Barnes and Gary Bennet on Radio Newcastle.

 It has become a nigh on impossible task attempting to keep up with what is unfolding on the pitch, as Nick Barnes tries his damned utmost to talk about anything but the game. Following information that Mannone has the ball, we’re then treated to a string of tedious, and irrelevant, stats regarding the entire career of an unimportant opposition player, only for it to be interrupted after we win a corner, leaving an entire passage of play to abscond into history without our knowledge.  Give the bloke his due, he does his research prior to a game, but these extensive stats should be reserved for injury induced gaps in play, and not whilst the game is in full flow. I can’t help but feel Nick Barnes’s commentary style would be better suited for television, where the you’re not reliant on the commentary to know what’s occurring on the pitch, and where extended soliloquies about the weather and how scolding hot his halftime Bovril is, won’t drive you insane with frustration.

Barnes is useful in that he does keep you up to date with any scores that might affect Sunderland, but unfortunately, will do so even if it means interrupting a critical moment in the match. Likewise he is equally at ease interrupting critical moments to enlighten you of scores in games that are meaningless to us, and will happily talk over a Sunderland attack to enlighten the listener as to how Sporting Club Newcastle’s “Falcons” are getting on.

Whilst tuning in to our recent game away to Liverpool, the usual irritation I feel as Barnes reads through the team sheets at an undecipherable speed, gave way to a mixture of fury and embarrassment. Following an extended recital from The Big Book Of “The Anfield Atmosphere Is Dead Special” Clichés, the commentary ceased and the crowd volume was increased as The Kop sang along to Gerry and the Pacemakers. At first I assumed that there must be some sort of technical problem, perhaps Nick Barnes had knocked the microphone over with his Anfield-induced hard-on. Or maybe his mic had become muffled, as Garry Bennet desperately tugged on Barnes’s ankles to prevent him for disappearing up Liverpool FC’s collective arsehole.  But no, unbelievably Barnes was holding some sort of personal minute silence. For what cause? Who knows. A tribute to Alan Hansen, Stevie G and Yosser Hughes?  You tell me.

Following completion of this mass Scouse karaoke, commentary resumed, and Barnes carried on awestruck. Fortunately, The Lads weren’t quite so overwhelmed, and stuck in a decent performance, but unfortunately, lost yet again, leaving our league status looking rather precarious. We’re in need of some big changes before next season, and not just in the commentary box.